Doug's Diary of 1987

                                Week of February 2 - 8

MONDAY, February 2:  I got up after 1 snooze, which is pretty good.  I took control of my flesh.  I prayed for a good hour in the lounge from 5:50 till 6:55 a.m.  I did most of the prayer guide.  After a quick breakfast, I read the Cliffs Notes for Galatians and then read the entire book of Galatians in the NAS Bible as I read the notes for each section in the New Testament book (The Twenty Seven books that Changed the World.)  It was difficult to concentrate since I was tired.  I went to my classes and thought about my paper that I need to do for Technical Writing before 3 p.m. today.  In D.S. class, the teacher wrote some complicated equations on the board.  Hardly anyone really understood them.  I understood most of the material, but it seemed as if he wrote one equation differently from the book.  Since I had done my reading ahead in this class, I knew that it differed from the book.  I raised my hand and put it down and raised it up when he stopped writing on the board.  Just then, another person raised his hand and mentioned that something was wrong with the equation that was written differently.  Because he did not explain his complaint clearly, I decided to speak out and explain that "I think that" the two symbols should be reversed.  The class did not have anything to say since they did not understand it.  The teacher then said that it doesn't matter.  I said nicely, "I think it does."  He said, "they are commutative."  I asked, "they are?"  Here I was‑ motivated by pride from within‑ trying to correct the teacher and I wound up being wrong (but right).  Because I spoke with a good humble attitude and because the class could not tell that I had made a mistake, I did not feel as embarrassed as I could have been.  It is not wrong to correct the teacher, but my motivation was wrong.  I sincerely repented to God for the next 30 seconds.  God saved me from a lot of humiliation by not having me be the one chosen to explain the potential fallacy.  Also, it was not readily understood by the others that this was a foolish oversight (if you did not understand the concepts).  I will not act out of pride again.  I will be extra careful and purify my motives.  After lunch I went to FCIC and talked with Jim, since he was there.  I then made 2 copies of my Science project, "Computer Graphic Solutions to Various Mathematical Puzzles."  This long paper should be acceptable for our 3rd assignment.  I insisted on paying $1 for these copies.  I walked back to FCIC and printed my diary for the past week in the lab.  I walked to the bank and deposited my paycheck.  I have made about $3700 from ECI and about $1500 from FCIC last year.  I spent about $500 in tithes and about $700 for the building fund last year.  I walked to Fontana and read my mail.  (I was walking instead of riding my bike since it was so windy.)  I received a tape from Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church on David Ring's message, which I heard when I attended the church during the Christmas vacation.  It was a powerful message from a Cerebral Palsy.  I listened to it.  I wrote to Carolyn Vernon, since I could tell that she had a lot of influence on this church sending me this tape.  I could tell this since there were two other pamphlets describing Dr. Kennedy's tapes on "Marriage" and on "Success."  Only Carolyn knew that I was interested in these two topics.  I sent away for the 4 tape series on the "Christian Marriage," but I will not listen to them until 12/88.  I wrote Carolyn a nice, quick letter.  I went to the Tux II place and got measured for the tux that I will wear for William's wedding.  I came home by 5:15 and ate dinner.  I spent 3 hours on my Discrete Structures homework.  I got a little frustrated since I did not "understand" how to work some of the vague problems.  I finally received one revelation that helped things, but still there were problems.  I heard a powerful message by Dr. Karl Strader as he explained the difference between a Charismatic (like Pat Robertson and those in Maranatha) and a Classical Pentecost (like Jimmy Swaggart).  Pentecostals believe that Jesus could come back any day, but Charismatics do not know when He will return, but it will probably be in the future, thus we should take dominion on the earth.  We believe that we may go through part or all of the tribulation.  Charismatics prophesy in church is conversational‑like, whereas Pentecostals shout theirs.   Pentecostals are strict about dress, but Charismatics are more concerned about the inward appearance.  Charismatics want real Christians who are in dead churches to stay there and be a light in the dark place until he is forced out.  Pentecostals say that they should come out from the dead church.  Charismatics listen to contemporary music and worship God with their hands fully extended upward.  Pentecostals worship with their palms upward and arms slightly lower, which is how I have been worshipping lately.  Charismatics reach out to the rich and the leaders, since they have the dominion message and want people who can influence others.  Pentecostals reach out to the poor.  Charismatics have 80% of their members speaking in tongues, compared to 20% for the Pentecostals.  Charismatics are more evangelical, and Pentecostals look more for signs and wonders.  Charismatics clap for many occasions and will dance before the Lord with our eyes open.  I thought that this was very interesting.  I am clearly a born Charismatic (according to its ultimate vision).  I desire to do the best that I can on this earth with the talents and gifts that God has given me.  I typed in my diary from 9:40 till 10:11 p.m. then memorized a short scripture and went to bed.  Once again, I typed 4200 characters in 30 minutes which is 700 words in 30 minutes which is 23 words/minute.  I am consistent with this figure every day.

TUESDAY, February 3:  I woke up after 1 snooze.  I took a shower, then picked up Mike and Steve.  I was very glad to be able to have the opportunity to drive someone to church, as Jerome had done for me 2 years ago.  I carried these thoughts and appreciation into my prayer time as we all thanked God for things.  I participated well.  It was good as usual.  My life seems to have an extra anointing or power, probably because of my deeper purity.  We also prayed for my Bible Study for tonight at Fontana.  I expect it to be my biggest Bible study up till now.  Several international students will come.  We all agreed in prayer for it.  As Mike and I got in the car and waited for Steve, Mike exclaimed to me as usual, "you're awesome."  He said that God spoke to him several times very clearly these 3 words, "stay around Doug."  Mike seems to have a deep respect for me, and he sees the importance and benefits of learning from me.  I seem to be very humble at this thought, as I usually am when I am complimented.  Reflecting back to my high school days, I remember people (one person in particular) that deeply respected and admired me and almost treated me as a god.  To them, I had everything, (intelligence, athletics, charm,...)  However, some of them grew to dislike me as they sensed pride in my heart.  (I assume this was the problem).  It seems that it is fine for them to think of me in a great way, but it is not alright to look at myself in such a way and let it show.  First, it seems that I am very humble as a leader and in groups.  However, when I am alone or with one person who I can share my inner thoughts with, then I seem to have pride sneak up.  Learning from the past, I must not let any pride to overcome me and make me lose the respect that I have.  "No one is respected unless they are humble," according to Proverbs.  The Indian Man's prophesy over me seems to be taking place, "you will be a hero for Jesus, you will be respected and looked up to."  I need to cry out to God for humbleness more than anything.  As I grow, there is no way that I cannot fulfill this prophesy unless I allow pride to take dominion.  I took Mike and Steve home.  I ate breakfast, then I read chapter 1 in 2 Corinthians along with the background of the book.  I worked at FCIC from 9 till 12 on the Withdrawal dates.  I ate lunch, then went to Engineering orientation.  I sat with Ali and I then went to work.  I finished working on the withdrawals from 2:15 till 5:15 p.m.  I ate dinner and invited some more people for tonight's Bible Study.  I prepared for 45 minutes in my room (along with some praying) before the crowd came in.  A total of 9 people (including me) came.  I gave God glory for the people.  I planned to have a 30 minute Bible Study on "Christianity vs. the World Religions," but it turned into 40 minutes.  I closed in prayer then I let those that needed to leave, leave.  Two left and the rest stayed to ask me questions in an orderly fashion.  David Ho (from Hong Kong), Rick, Dawn, Jamel (from France), Robbie, Jason, Jessew (from Japan), Marium (from Morocco), and myself attended.  With God's grace I had preached the best message ever, according to my inward witness and the response of the people.  The glad tidings booklet on the different aspects of each religion offered a good outline for preaching the gospel.  I spent close to 15 minutes explaining the trinity and looking up scriptures supporting it.  It was powerful.  I then clearly preached the Gospel message of Jesus Christ.  My 3 foreign visitors had never heard the gospel before and they each said that I explained it "so clearly."  The Holy Spirit gave them of revelation of Christianity.  I used some good illustrations to explain what Jesus actually did.  Marium is a Muslim and she had some questions that I expected from her.  Therefore, I had the answers as well.  I really knew the material and I presented it in a clear and humble way.  God's anointing was upon the teaching.  We dismissed at 8:10 p.m.  Jason and Dawn stayed for a few minutes and I encouraged them in the vision of our Bible Study.  They are excited about it too.  We have landed on enemy territory.  I visited Rick who left at 7:40 to study.  I encouraged him after he had complimented me on a super Bible Study.  He said that it was the most excellent presentation of the gospel he's heard, because of the well organized structure and scriptures behind it (he said something similar to this).  I thanked him for the compliment and then gave him a one minute teaching on false humility.  I could have said, "No, I didn't do anything‑ God did it all."  Yes, God definitely had a powerful affect, but he needed me to do it through.  It is acceptable to humbly accept a compliment.  It is false humility to say that only God did anything great.  People feel hurt when someone pushes down their compliment.  I have a good attitude toward receiving compliments.  I seem to be humble in this respect.  (Am I humble as I reflect on them?)  I encouraged Rick to invite visitors to the Bible Study.  I see that Jason, Dawn, and Rick are changed.  God has worked mightily through me to touch them and know they are starting to touch others.  Not to boast in myself, but the 8 people that came today were as a result of my invitations: how big of a Bible study will it be when Jason, Rick and Dawn start seeing fruit in their invitations.  Each of them see the vision.  We can change Fontana and glorify and please God.  I prayed and thought to the Lord for the next 40 minutes.  I thanked him for tonight and I know that it is glorying Him.  I prayed that the Word of God that was heard tonight will stay in the hearts of the people.  I typed in my diary from 9:40 till 10:30 p.m.  I meditated on Heb. 12:4 before bed.

WEDNESDAY, February 4:  I woke up as a result of David turning off the music to my 2nd snooze alarm.  I need to realize the importance of waking up at the sound of the alarm.  Since it disturbs my roommate by not getting up right away, I should have more conviction to wake up earlier.  I prayed from 6:10 till 7:10 a.m. in the lounge.  I had a good time going through the prayer guide.  I ate breakfast.  I then read chapters 2 through 5 in 2nd Corinthians in the Living Bible and then the NAS Bible.      In 4:3‑5, "... who are perishing, in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving, that they may not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."  I received another great revelation in Chapter 5 as it talks about "the temporal and the eternal."  In the Living Bible it says, in verses 8 and 9, "And we are not afraid, but are quite content to die for then we will be at home with the Lord.  So our AIM IS TO PLEASE HIM ALWAYS IN EVERYTHING WE DO, whether we are here in this body or away from this body and with him in heaven."  In verse 10 it talks about the judgement of the believers which is connected with the degree in which people "please" the Lord: "For we must all stand before Christ to be judged and have our lives laid bare‑before Him.  Each of us will receive whatever he deserves for the good or bad things he has done in his earthly body."  In verse 11 it says that this is an acceptable motive (fear of the Lord) to work hard.  In the NAS, verse 9 reads, "Therefore also we have as our AMBITION, WHETHER AT HOME OR ABSENT, TO BE PLEASING TO HIM."  Some other verses that talk about our purpose in life as being to PLEASE GOD is Rom 14:18, Col. 1:10, 1 Thess. 4:1.  In 2nd Cor. 5:15 in the L.B. it says, "He died for all so that all who live‑ having received eternal life from Him‑ might live no longer for themselves, to please themselves, but to SPEND THEIR LIVES PLEASING CHRIST who died and rose again for them."  To "live for someone" means to always do all that pleases them.  That's why it says in the NAS version, "and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf."  This is powerful!  This is the purpose of life.  It is emphasized in the middle of this chapter.  The L.B. helped a lot.  As I read this chapter I received an "inner sense" that this is the message that I am to preach in the future and that I am correct theologically about the purpose of life: to PLEASE God.  I went to my classes.  I got a nice 100 on my math test from Friday.  Craig got a 60.  As I parked my bike before going to Numerical Methods class, I overheard a conversation about evolution and that he was not sure what he believes anymore, but that he wants to learn some more.  I sensed in my spirit that I should make myself available to him.  At first I walked away and then the two guys departed.  I was then stopped and walked quickly to the guy who was learning the pros for evolution.  I told him that I overheard the conversation and that I am from a scientific background (math and computers) so I deal with these types of questions concerning Christianity.  He was interested in getting together with me so I gave him my name and address.  He is from a Christian background, but his faith is low.  God brought Frank, that's his name, to me (or should I say‑ God brought me to him).  After class I started to ride my bike to the flea market.  I then walked with Art, an acquaintance in my class.  I had him come to our Maranatha table and I witnessed to him.  I briefly went through the 2 question test, but he seems to understand Christianity and be a non‑religious Catholic who seems to do some good.  I did not get much of a response from others as they walked by me.  I talked with my tall redheaded friend from Math class, and I gave him a scientific explanation for "how Jesus saved us."  I ate lunch, then I went to my Technical Writing class.  I was hoping that our paper wouldn't be due till Monday, but it is due this week.  Therefore, I will be busy since I have 2 papers to write by Friday.  After going home I went to my car to go to the campus meeting at the church.  Kellie, Darla, and Angie were walking to the U.C. (thinking that the meeting was there).  I gave them a ride to the church where we waited 25 minutes for Steve and Patty.  Patty finally came 5 minutes after we had started.  Franco did not really have a meeting, but he got the names in our contact Bible Studies.  I had been reading my Bible during the quiet times.  I did not get anxious about leaving.  I did well through this trial.  Patty seemed slightly upset that Steve made her late, since he never showed up for her to pick him up.  Steve called at 4:45 and Patty jumped out of her seat to talk with him on the phone.  As she got up from her chair, she banged her left leg on the table.  The girls shrieked in concern for Patty.  I looked at this situation with an unsensitive spirit.  (I don't particularly like it, but I'm just stating a fact.)  If it was anyone else I would have had concern.  If you "hate" someone then you either rejoice or are neutral when something bad happens to them (according to human nature), but you mourn for them if you love them.  However, I was indifferent toward Patty.  I do not have any emotions toward her, except possibly a slight bit of "dislike" emotions.  It's just the way it is, and I am extremely holy as a result.  Of course I can change these emotions, but I know it is God's will for me to be as I am.  I got home and ate dinner.  I typed in my diary from 6 till 6:40 p.m.  I then picked up Steve and Mike and drove them to the church for the Bible Study. In the Spiritual Maturity class we watched the 7th (and last) prayer video by Dick Eastman.  We learned the difference between "God's will defined" and "Divine Guidance."  We know that God will is defined in the Word to "grow spiritually."  This is not an option.  It is in God's Word.  However, if we want to know what college to go to, then we need "divine guidance."  God speaks to us in several ways, mostly by the inward voice.  To determine God's will, we need to become neutral about the matter and then consistently seek God in prayer daily concerning it.  When we receive an unction toward a certain decision, then believe that it is God.  This should be tested by the Word and by counselors.  God wants to use us in ways beyond our imagination.  Someone said, if I have 3 days of work to do in one day, then I need to spend an extra 3 hours in prayer.  I waited for Steve to get into the car.  Meanwhile, Mike and I talked.  He told me about Chuck from the Great Commissions church.  I seemed to sense that same prideful spirit that he went in length to tell me about, along with other things.  Mike had some bad experiences with him in Mike's early months as a Christian, especially about his theology against tongues.  After taking Mike and Steve home I prayed to God in a loving way for Chuck, who seems to have many character deficiencies and problems as an individual even though he is intellectually mature as a Christian.  I finished typing in my diary for today.  I have a choice: I can stay up most of the night tonight and do my papers, or I can stay up most of the night tomorrow.  One shows diligence, the other shows procrastination.  However, if I go to bed on time tonight it shows a greater consistency, so I have rationalized to go to bed and get a good night sleep.  I memorized a scripture before 10 p.m.

THURSDAY, February 5:  I prayed from 6 till 6:30, then took a half and hour nap and then ate breakfast.  I read 2 Cor. 6,7,8, and 9 in both Bibles.  In chapter 7:8‑10 I learned that some sorrow is from God for the purpose of enabling us to repent.  Therefore, just as Franco shared an example a week ago, sometimes we should not pray that the sorrow goes away, but that they will be changed because of the sorrow.  Jesus lived in poverty in order that he might give more to others.  The Living Bible says in 9:6‑8, "If you give little, you will get little.  A farmer who plants just a few seeds will get only a small crop, bit if he plants much he will reap much.  Everyone must make up his own mind as to how much he should give.  Don't force anyone to give more than he really wants to, for cheerful givers are the ones God prizes.  God is able to make it up to you by giving you everything you need and more, so that there will not only be enough for your own needs, but plenty left over to give joyfully to others."  I went down to the 1st floor at 7:55 to wait for the maids, incase they decided that they wanted to hear the Word of God.  I was not expecting to preach, and I spent the time reading my daily chapters.  One maid walked by at 7:58 and said, "I got to check in first or I will be 5 minutes late."  She never returned and I did not have a Bible Study.  I prayed on my way to Dr. Troutman's home in Lutz.  She gave me some instructions.  On my way home I finished my 1 hour prayer time.  I got home and studied and ate lunch.  I then went to FCIC at 1 p.m. to work till 5 p.m. on the Management System.  Jim spent the time with me informing me of the new PRINT reports that need to be done.  We also compiled the other programs.  I ate dinner with Matt Rothband.  I found out that he believes in Christ even though he was raised Jewish.  He said that he went to church with a few guys during the summer from a "high‑standard" church (Faith Covenant).  He opened his heart to me saying that they preached "works" rather than "grace" even thought they said that they believe that grace without works saves.  He was upset because they kept pointing his finger on his many sins and showing him in the Bible why it was wrong.  Matt said that he thinks that they misinterpreted the Bible.  I felt sympathy for him, and I did not tell him that he was wrong, but I do believe that this is a start of something great.  He said that he is interested in learning about the Bible.  He said that he prays to God and He has protected him.  I believe that God is working in his life and that God is directing him to me.  After dinner I worked on my English paper and my Numerical Methods paper.  Franco came over after 7 p.m. and we went to visit my friend Matt.  We did not get to see him.  I told Franco about him.  Franco worked‑out in the fitness center with some guys.  I continued typing my paper until 11:45.  I got to bed after meditating on a short scripture.

FRIDAY, February 6:  I picked up Steve and Mike and took them to the prayer meeting.  We prayed to some nice music.  Mike, Steve, Franco, and I closed the prayer meeting at 7:45 a.m.  Franco said that he had invited some of his Fontana friends to eat with us.  I was just slightly hurt since I wanted to spend time alone with Franco so that we could talk about personal things.  Although this is a good thing to do, it is not the purpose for us to get together.  As I walked out, Franco called me back in and asked if I minded others eating with us.  I told him that I understood, but I was slightly hurt.  I ate a quick breakfast, then I went to FCIC and edited and printed out my English paper and my Computer paper.  I delivered my English paper to my teacher at 9:15.  We talked a little bit.  I was about 25 minutes late to my New Testament class.  We finished Galatians.  The purpose of the law was not to prevent sin, but the weakness of human nature proved it is impossible for man to do so.  It showed them that they were really bad and needed a Savior.  If Christ had come in the days of Moses, they would not have been ready since they had not seen their hopeless condition yet as a result of failing to abide by the law.  In Discrete Structures class, we had a difficult quiz.  I did not get the one problem right.  We had not worked out any problem like this one.  The problem could be solved by applying the principles that we have learned, but on a higher level.  I studied hard, and I did all my homework, but the quiz makes this work vain (for this day).  I turned in my computer paper, and after class I went home.  I met Franco at 12:05 and ate lunch with him.  At around 12:40, Satrua came and ate with us and we had a 25 minute Bible Study with him at the table.  After he left, I talked with Franco for a little while.  I asked him what he thinks that I want from our meetings.  He said, "fellowship."  I explained that I do not have a "need" for fellowship, but what I desire from Franco is discipleship‑‑for him to impart his life to me.  I desire for him to help me overcome some of my character deficiencies as he has been able to do over the years.  I explained that I am not a good speaker with people on one‑on‑one situations when I explain things that I am not familiar with. I explained Joe Smith's prophesy from Nov. of 1985.  I also explained that I do speak well in teachings that I am well familiar with.  He shared that God's grace and power is made available in weakness, therefore God can become mighty in me as a result of my weakness.  We left at 1:30 and walked to Theta dormitory, where Franco had a meeting with a guy.  I talked and shared about the pride that I seem to have in my heart, (though it is not that big).  He asked me to share about my great "fall" that I had in high school as a result of my pride.  I was reluctant, but I felt glad to share my life with him.  It feels good when someone else "knows" you.  He liked the story.  I wished that I had more time to talk with him.  I went home and I read chapters 10, 11, 12, and 13 in 2 Corinthians.  Chapter 10:3‑5 is often misinterpreted as a message to "prayer warriors."  Although this misinterpretation may be a Biblical truth, it should be understood in its context.  In the Living Bible it says, "I use God's mighty weapons, not those made by men, to knock down the devil's strongholds.  These weapons can break down every proud argument against God and every wall that can be built to keep men from finding him.  With these weapons I can capture rebels and bring them back to God, and change them into men  whose hearts' desire is obedience to Christ."  It seems to be talking about arguments raised up against Christ, and we have been given wisdom with the spirit to fight against these arguments.  Chapter 10:17, "But he who boasts, let him boast in the Lord."  Chapter 11:30, "If I have to boast, I will boast of what pertains to my weakness."  As we boast in our weakness, and we attain greatness because Christ moved in our lives as a result of our dependence upon Him, then we are glorifying what God has done in our lives.  In chapter 12, it says that Paul had a weakness and turned it into a strength because he depended on God that much more.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  I recalled Franco's key to remaining humble (for me), which I have been doing:  Explaining my weaknesses in my teachings and testimonies.  It humbles me in the sight of my audience, and then God is given the glory for the work that He has done in our life.  I listened to the introduction to David Ring's message‑‑the Baptist handicapped evangelist.  He spoke on God's grace in 2 Cor. 12.  However, after listening him cutting down divine healing, I had turned off the tape and turned on the radio briefly.  At that moment the radio confirmed our "messed up theology", as David would say.  "God wants you free... In the name of Jesus, rise up and walk.  In the name of Jesus, be though made whole.  In the name of Jesus, it must be so.  God wants you free."  I took a little nap until dinner time.  I ate dinner, then read some more of the Bible.  I picked up Mike and took him to the homegroup.  I talked with Rod at the beginning.  We started the meeting by sharing testimonies and other things.  I shared about my successful Bible study.  Johnny, from Gainesville visited us.  We worshipped the Lord for 1/2 hour as we listened to a tape.  We did not go over Franco's message on grace as we had planned.  We had a few other short testimonies of what was experienced during worship.  Johnny, a 2 1/2 year old Christian, gave a prophesy to Rick saying that he is like an oak tree‑ strong in faith (I think), but there will be a fork in the road in the future in which you can go either way.  One road leads to life, another road leads to death.  I could tell that Rick did not understand what was being said, since he did not know about prophesy.  After we prayed for people I fellowshipped and started to encourage Kellie who was "down."  Rick asked Johnny to talk with him outside.  I knew that he was going to ask Johnny to explain why and what he was saying.  When Johnny came in he explained to me that Rick was defensive towards the message since he felt that Johnny was causing a brother to stumble.  However, Johnny explained that he was "prophesying" and then showed the scriptural reference.  They left with a smile and a handshake.  Franco left with some guys to play basketball.  I stayed and cleaned up.  I went home and got to bed after memorizing a short scripture.

SATURDAY, February 7:  I woke up after a two snoozes, before 8 a.m.  After a month of consistent purity, I have woken up from my 3rd wet night in a row.  I must have let some of my desire for the future seep into my heart during these past 3 days.  I studied the highlights of 2 Corinthians.  I woke up Matt Rothband at 8:25 to run with me at 9.  I was expecting a big crowd for the Bible study, including at least 3 girls.  However, it was the smallest crowd ever.  Only Mike and I had the Bible Study and he was too sore to run.  I preached a good teaching on the passages that stuck out to me.  We ended at 9:15 and I then prayed for an hour in the lounge and in my room.  Matt never showed up to run.  I left for Jim's home and got there by 10:30 a.m.  I prayed along the way for God's will to be done in our meeting about my diary and the two major problems that Jim sees in my life.  Vicky told me he was waiting at the church for me so I went there.  He then left for home to get a vacuum so I waited for him to return.  We sat outside against the building and had a nice conversation.  I felt very comfortable and ready to receive guidance and correction and exhortation.  Jim does a great job of correcting someone and explaining things.  Some times it made me laugh as he explained things.  He agreed with me that when I first began writing in my diary the days were short, but now the descriptions of the days have increased tremendously.  He says that I have the system "down pat."  He said that I have a good mind (which is good) and I have tremendous discipline (which is good), but the two together could be a stumbling block.  It seems to give me a superiority complex and I tend to look down on others sometimes because they do not have what I have.  He really complimented me on my discipline, but he sees it as a special asset and gift from God to me, just as a beautiful girl is born with "good looks."  He stressed that in order for me to stay humble I need to realize that "anything that I have comes from God."  I need the spirit of God to work through me in order to accomplish things for God.  Otherwise, God will use someone who does not seem to have the talents but who is willing to be moved by the spirit.  He says that I need to have an introspection of when I "pat myself on the back," which he sees me doing in the diary.  He says that an autobiography contains mens' writings of their weakness, but I have written a biography of myself where I make the guy look extremely good‑ especially if he is someone you really like and admire (which I guess I do).  I laughed, since he presented it in this type of a manner.  He says that I have to cry out to God on my knees for humility and to have a "lack of self."  I need to stop being concerned with my strengths and myself in general.  I explained that I am very humble and have a lack of self when I lead a group, like a homegroup, since I am looking to others and I am not even concerned about myself.  He suggests that I read Watchmen Nee, since he is an intellectual man who talks about Brokenness.  I think this is a confirmation from the Lord for me to get the book and read it, as I had planned a while ago.  I need to "repudiate self, and giving self glory‑ don't think of self."  He suggests that for a season I should not write about activities that "I" do, which seem to make me look good, but to write about what is in my heart, and some things that I learn in books and reading the Bible and praying.  I think this is good guidance to redirect my diary for now.  It will train me to not look at myself and how "good" I do things.  I need to give the glory to God for everything that I have and for all that I accomplish.  I also explained the balance of "false humility."  Jim mentioned that I am someone who is quiet and does not speak out foolishness like some people, which is wise but can be a problem if there is a problem in my heart that goes undetected for years.  Whereas the person who blows his mouth is immediately corrected.  Therefore, I need to open my heart before the Lord.  Jim then talked about problem #2: Patty.  I explained some incidents that he did not read well and a part that he had not gotten up to.  I explained how Franco put doubts in my mind around January 16, 1986 about Patty being my future mate as a result of Patty being frustrated and sharing this with Mary Lou.  This experience allowed me to die to the vision for the first time (and really believe what I was dying to).  I then explained that at the moment there is no way that I can become unconvinced that she is not the one for me.  However, I see the importance of dying to these thoughts of the future and staying away from Patty physically and emotionally.  My words satisfied Jim.  He will read the incidents where I had died to the vision as I allowed doubt to develop in my mind for 3 days last January.  It seems that Jim probably only got up to November of 1985, though he has also read the past 3 months of this year.  He will get into the best one year of my diary, in my opinion.  He says that this is like a soap opera.  He also mentioned that for every person who is sure that they have a word from the Lord of who their mate will be, there are 2 people who are also sure who their mate will be and they find out that they are wrong.  This is just a statistic that Jim has seen from his experience.  I shows the importance of not thinking that you are "definitely sure" even when you are.  I drove home and ate with Mike Miranda and Jason.  Carmine joined us.  He complimented me by saying, "I can tell that you are a Christian:  Your face is always glowing."  I went upstairs at 1 p.m. and I met with Robert and discipled him for 2 hours.  We talked and then I taught a little on 2 Cor. 12 before I had us listen to the entire David Ring message on God's grace being sufficient for us, especially if it has helped him, a cerebral palsy.  It was a very "moving" message.  I could tell that Robert could relate to it, especially about the part about David losing his mother and that motherly love.  Robert taught me something very good:  When Paul says that he had a "thorn in the flesh" that is not referring to a "physical" weakness, but it is a dissention or an argument against Paul by others.  This is his weakness.  Therefore, David misinterpreted the passage when he condemns "divine healing" people as he supports his belief that 3 times Paul asked God to take away "the thorn in his flesh", but He wouldn't.  Therefore, God does not heal everyone.  NO.  God did not take away the arguments and dissensions raised against him that made him weak.  It was interesting.  It is easy to think that this weakness is physical, especially since we hear a lot of teaching about how weak we are in our own abilities, thus we need God's grace.  Though this is true, this is not what the passage is saying.  I then read the Living Bible version which also translated this weakness as a physical problem, but then Robert explained that the author of this Living Bible is a Baptist, which explains the interpretation.  However, right after the word "weakness" is used, it then gives several synonyms explaining this weakness, "dissensions", "arguments", etc.  Robert gave me some wise words:  Any time you seek to lift yourself up in other people's eyes‑ that is pride.  God gives grace to the humble.  You have to be humble to talk about your weaknesses, because a proud man would talk about his strengths.  We had a good time together.  I read my Living Bible‑ chapters 1 to 5 in Joshua.  I took a 2 hour nap, then ate dinner with Jason, then I studied some math.  I spent from 8 till 11 typing in my diary, but I wasted about an hour in between -- thinking and doing things.  I'll try to make the diary shorter and write less about myself.  (Boy‑ the diary will really be short if I don't write about myself.)  I need to exalt others and look to them rather than myself.  I memorized a scripture before bed.

SUNDAY, February 8:  I woke up at 6:30 and took a shower. I did my laundry and read Joshua 1‑5 in my Bibles.  After putting my wash in the drier, I read Cliffs Notes on Corinthians.  I agree with this, "Paul's instruction in regard to marriage must be considered in light of his belief concerning the imminence of the second coming of Christ as well as his desire to have the church exemplify a high standard of living in this respect."  Because of the urgency of the "last days," it was advised, "if you are single then DO NOT SEEK A MATE."  A good speculation (though contrary to Maranatha teaching) is that since we are not in those "urgent days," "if you are single then it is O.K. to seek a mate."  Of course, we need to define what we mean by "seek a mate" and how we go about it.  However, I believe that God has given us the revelation to wait on God for the mate.  Cliffs Notes also interpret the "thorn in the flesh" to mean "some physical defect that according to ancient Jewish regulations would have barred one from the priesthood."  I'm not sure if this is correct or if Robert is correct, but I won't dwell on this.  Paul was bold in his letters, but seemed very mild in person.  Paul excuses himself as he boasts as it is acceptable under severe circumstances.  I folded my laundry and prayed.  David is at a ping pong tournament, so I prayed in my bed.  It was mostly personal communication.  I received inspiration to the root cause of my pride (I think).  Most people are proud of their gifts: singing, athletics, knowledge, leading, etc.  Gifts are what make people important and "better" than others.  However, although I am barely intellectually gifted, I do not have pride because of it.  I do not have pride because I have athletic ability.  All these things I acknowledge and thank God for.  It is nothing that I have done to "earn" them.  However, I believe, "What you are is God's gift to you; what you become is your gift to God."  If I had just done "average" work towards developing my intellectual abilities then I would be just an average gifted kid.  I would not boast because I understand that everything that I have is by the grace of God.  However, I did not just let the gift make me, but "I" used the gift to maximize my potential.  This was done by a lot of self‑effort and hard work, way beyond anyone else's effort.  As a gifted math student I would "naturally" be ranked as maybe the top 2 out of 100 students.  However, out of 400,000 students in Florida who competed in math, I did not come in just the top 2x (400,000/100) = 8,000 but I was number one.  I attained my full potential.  I went beyond what I was given, which is something that most people never do.  Yes, I acknowledge that God has gifted me and helped me along the way, but I also acknowledge MYSELF with a lot of good work.  I take pride in realizing that I have become a success, which means developing your abilities to the maximum of your potential.  Again, I do realize and thank God for everything, but I do allow myself to take some of this glory because I did do above and beyond the call of duty (so I think).  To me this seems like a good to have some pride as a result of it.  An obvious answer to rid myself of it would be to deny that I really did anything, but that it was God (but I can't seem to say this‑ honestly).  I'll talk to Jim and he will probably change my perspective of the situation which will give me the ability to be humble.  I drove John and Steve and Mike to church.  Jim Blaha preached a very powerful message on Covenant.  After the service, I talked with Jim for 3 minutes and explained the revelation I got this morning.  His answer was simple and quick: God not only gave me gifts such as intelligence and discipline, but he also gave me the success that I got.  He gave me everything.  Very simple.  However, I need to build up my faith to believe this.  I see the importance of being humble, and I desire this more than anything right now.  About Jim's message on Covenant:  There is tremendous power in unity.  The more individual a person becomes in his gift and call, the better he builds up the entire body.  Jesus never allowed other people to spoil his joy and quench his spirit.  You quench your own spirit by allowing it to be quenched by the circumstances.  We need to look to others as more important than ourselves.  Love believes the best about the saints.  Self‑pity is a sin.  We need to rid the dissention and division in our churches.  (I will TRY to skip some of the details of the day of what "I" did.)  (This seems to be hard.)  I got home and turned on the radio and I heard my favorite song that seems to reassure me of God's perfect gift to me: Patty.  Doubly Good to You played, "If you find a love that's tender..."  For the past month, whenever a love song starts playing I immediately turn the radio off so that I will not think of Patty.  However, I tried to turn it off but my body would not let me.  I listened to the beautiful song.  (No more‑ I will not write about Patty again‑ I'll try)  I read chapter 5 in Robert Tilton's book, "God's Laws of Success," as my Sabbath rest and personal teaching.  Some brief and wise words:  An unorganized pastor does not accomplish much.  Do not be anxious about what you will eat, drink or wear tomorrow, does not mean not to plan or think about these things for tomorrow‑ but don't excessively worry about them.  God takes pleasure in our prosperity.  Your dominating thoughts control your life.  When we pray with another person, we have a 3 fold cord with Jesus in the middle interceding with us.  At dinner, Milton asked me several questions to stump me.  However, God gave me divine wisdom to be able to answer these questions as God would.  I was amazed and so was everyone who heard me.  However, I was humble and glorified God knowing that He had given me an abundance of wisdom at that moment.  After getting gas, I went to church by 6:30 for our Members only service with Bob Nolte.  After singing and dancing, Bob spoke humbly to us about Covenant in a church.  Covenant sets Maranatha apart from other churches.  Covenant is EVERLASTING, ORDERED, SECURED, and GROWING or IMPROVING.  Covenant people have vision, destiny, and are working toward a goal.  The key to the Christian life is teachability.  We will have one or two close friend who we will be in covenant with forever.  We will hold each other accountable and help them grow.  The meeting lasted till 10 p.m. but I did not mind.  My heart is changing and improving day by day.  I can sense it.  I won't mention that I sacrificially took time out to help Dave, a new black guest of our church, in Calculus.  I won't mention that I drove Jerome home and then spent time helping a guy in my computer class who knocked on my door for help. (Next time I won't.)  I have a vision of the humbleness that God will produce in my life.  It will be great.  I can sense the victory already.  90% of the battle is won since I know that key weapon‑ dependance on God and acknowledging Him sincerely as the One who has given you success.  (Of course I physically accomplish things, but I have nothing to boast about since God has done it all through me.)  I meditated on 1 Cor. 3:21, "So then let no one boast in men."